I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
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