That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
