the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
