OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
