My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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