I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize