That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
