hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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