Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
