Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
