Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
