"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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