I just made out with a guy for $7.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
