i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
don't judge my taste in strippers
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
