The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize