I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
