I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Randomize
