Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize