I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize