My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
