wrigley field is MILF paradise
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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