Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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