the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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