Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Randomize