The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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