Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Randomize
