It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
3 2 1 whiskey
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
