3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
