dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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