I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize