just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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