Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
