i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
