I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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