there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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