Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
