all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
