I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
