i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Drunk walkin through police station. America
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
