I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
