I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Well I just put wine in my tea
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Randomize
