I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
