You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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