It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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