I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize