please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
