Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
