I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
