i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
