I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
