if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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