The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Randomize
