I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
