he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
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