No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize