The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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