im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
