you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
