Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
