Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
