You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
