He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
