I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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