Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
