God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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