Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
