I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
